My mind is flying right now. Truly. You know 95% if the time I am good at games and dating and flirting and whatever. I'm pretty damn good at it. But ... every once in a while I suck. I can honestly say that I have cried over two boys in my life. The first was something like four years ago and the second ... well, he would think Im a lunatic for giving a shit. You know, its the unexpected ones that creep up on me. Its the ones I barely know that I all of a sudden think I have feelings for. God this fucking sucks and I am so so sad right now. Last night I took half a bottle of painkillers to take off the edge and now I wish more than ever that the bottle wasn't empty. I don't really know what Im trying to say .. well except that life really sucks sometimes ... days like today. Maybe my point is this ... In life, the boys that I cry over will never cry over me and this silly little game of sex and friendship is only going to waste my unseen and unfelt tears. So with that, Im going to retire to being the emotionally retarded girl that I become on my off days when the game suddenly sucks ass!
Monday, June 20, 2005
So tired of sleeping alone.This week, a friend of mine died. She was 21 and beautiful. And here I am, living my life. Finally living my dream. And yet... I am fucking miserable. Why? Because the things I deem important are just a foot or two out of reach. You know its crazy how a tear in the seam of our favorite coat or shirt can shake us up. We complain, we worry about our wastelines, our shitty haircuts, but the truth is that all the stupid shit in the end remains stupid. And in the end, most of us live our lives remembering mostly this. We pass judgements. We bury ourselves in religion and tradition. Searching for something more than feeling and passion and the moment in which everything fits. We're all swallowing downers one after another... and for what? A breakdown? A good cry? A hard punch in the face? A moment so fake that we forget the harshness of reality which really wouldn't be so bad if we'd remember to breathe in every once in a while. I'll admit that sometimes life sucks, but in the end we owe it to our friends ... to ourselves... to live twice the life. To make up for the thievery of lives taken away.Saturday, October 29, 2005
I don't get people who are so sure with themselves and their feelings. When it comes to love... I think I have felt love once. In a moment when I hurt someone... My heart felt colder than the snow outside... I'd have sold my soul to take it back and I still would.
These days I think we're disillusioned to believe that love is a texture of hair or a bottle of perfume... I believe it's so much more... I just can't give in so easily.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Denied Emotion strangled beneath my untouched skin.
As I lay wrapped in this wet towell, I borrow dampness from the terry cloth crushed against my skin.
Holding my insanity within
Replenishing moisture to the army of tears marching down my face.
Sad doesnt begin to describe how I feel.
Heartbroken an understatement.
For I am nothing more than a first name.
A last name unnoticed.
A pet name unworthy.
I am widdled down to four letters Seven if Im lucky.
Perhaps I have become a place of rest. A routine walk-around. A truck-stop shower.
Washed away, Forgotten and Fucked. Left alone.
A Dirty Shower Drain.
Monday, January 23, 2006
I have this dream of Montauk. That I am sitting there in the dead of winter. Bundled head to toe... runny nose... frozen fingers. And I am sinking in the sand, snow falling on all sides as I hover over untouched pages to shield them from the weather and the waves. And as I sink, I am writing as fast as my fingers can move ... And for once, everything I have ever needed to say escapes me in perfect form. And the cold feels good to my bones, and Im not scared of be swallowed. I bury myself with my words, my emotions, my memories of this place... And before I know it, I am sitting at the train station with nowhere to go but up. Perhaps I'll visit Jersey. Maybe even Maine. I am starting over.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The power is out in LA tonight
And although I am not alone I am somewhere else
Cradled by the cold and the darkness
Comforted by the intentions of disorder on these streets
Cause the life that felt so sure is gone, and the glamour of this town is fading fast
And a man that I loved is leaving me alone, and I am dying here
Behind the reflection of my tears, left and empty, abandoned by life
An old woman in a bar... A reflection of self
Two hopefuls crying in the candlelight for the lives of those they'd die for
And the music pulls my soul in two
A stranger glowing orange in the darkness
Singing in a dialect he doesn't know
In this moment we speak the same
Unknowns holding hands in a dim-lit room
Shadows on the walls
Dancing silhouettes of those who find shelter in the night
And I am sitting across from a man that I am too afraid to feel for
And beside a friend more wounded than myself
But we are so much more than half full
We are living for miracles...
A new start on life
A favor for love
A break in the fear that keeps us from finding what's lost
A flicker... A flame
A moment in time when the tears find home upon our cheeks
And we are seen here, damp in the darkness, content in this place
Tonight I am drinking with friends.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
You were the best I ever had...
Today is a good day. I feel really happy. The sun is shining. And I have rediscovered a memory that I never EVER want to forget.
I believe that real happiness is found in the tiny moments that are perfect to us. What I do in these moments of perfection is I choose something small to remember... The warmth of a hand, a whisper in my ear... a song in the background... to keep that moment alive for me...
Today I found a song ... a gateway... to one of the most perfect nights of my life. It's funny because I tried so hard to remember, but my mind failed me. And today... six months later... a rediscovery, a mishapped mention has made me smile! And like magic, the music has turned me upside-down. I've spent the last 20 minutes reliving the most perfect evening I have ever known... I am so happy. It's amazing the lives and the people and the stories that can be buried behind a silly band and a silly little song. And a night that I will never forget...
SELF AGAINST CITY
Tonight I'll be searching for you finding my way back to all the promises that we made. When it comes there's no reaction that could change my mind cause I've been waiting for so long to restart the cycle and revibe the memory give me just one chance that's all I'll need...
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
I was laughing about this earlier, but now there's a rabbit scratching my brain. every muscle in my body is throwing up, my jaw hurts, my teeth hurt, my eyes are closing without my permission. i smell like coney island, there's dirt under my nails, i'm wearing pink slippers and a double X lime green t-shirt at work and I have a fro....
I just want to go home!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Looking forward to a day that isn't mine... I hope it goes perfectly.
Monday, May 15, 2006
I am beginning to believe that some of my friends use me. One in particular. THIS FIRECRACKER PERSON.. I want to be like him. Beautiful and bright. High in flight. Facinating and inspiring. At the same time, he is dangerous and unpredicatable, and I have been burnt too many times. I can see myself and the past few months. I am his fool. A dancing clown of sorts. And I am moving my feet as fast as I can. I am dancing and dancing and dancing. Giving everything I have to him. And I think that he loves my dance, and I am happy to be dancing. Watching him watch me I think we are friends. But all he ever does is laugh at me. I am just too blind to see this. All I know is that he is there and this is what moves me. But tonight the blisters on my feet are sore and this dancing isn't fun anymore. I see him laughing and it breaks my heart. Tonight I am packing up and going home. I am done with trying to be as bright and high and dangerous as him. He is not a nice person and his light is losing its luster. The show does end and it will end tonight. I am done dancing.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
the anticipation is so hard to grasp. to wait. anxiously hoping for something similar to what we knew before. this mystery still unsurfaced. the heightened strangness of friends who don't know each other. And yet it was this friendship that kept me alive. or at least the kind of friendship that made me want to live. i've waited years for this. and in my waiting, you have become something so much more than yourself. and it's not fair to you. to have these expectations forced upon you. and it's really not fair to me. to hope you are more than who you really are. so I wait, for some sort of balance to appear. but neither of us can let go of what we had. and the mention of our lives in past tense is tearing me apart. so maybe all this waiting should come to an end. we can forget what we had. pretend it was never there at all. and we will go our seperate ways. and drink with the friends who we believe know us better. and we'll laugh and live and move on. and forget about the days when we believed in what we were waiting for. perhaps this is the exchange rate for waiting. where can I cash-in?
Monday, June 12, 2006
We sit here. Unaware of the future. Fueling on the belief that passion is not just skin deep. That those who fight do survive. That our hearts can change the world. That this job.. this dream.. does make a difference. And we're here everyday. Without fail. Without disappointment. And we're doing everything we can to help and to be helped by helping. To make their lives become their dreams. To dream for the lives of our friends. And it's more than what you see or what you hear... It's where you go from hearing what you cannot see... See this is the key. The missing piece to the puzzle. The message that we must deliver to the world. To scream or sing at the top of our lungs!! And we've taken this upon ourselves. To teach men to believe. To give this world a journey. An escape. A handful of hope. And although today we are blind to what's ahead, we are carried by these songs. These leaps of faith. These blind steps inching us forward. This is our mission. Our plan of flight... to take flight... to know in the end that this is what we live for... to fly... And to show others that it's not the destination that matters. Its finding joy in the journey and truth in the hearts of strangers. It's giving to the world something to believe in. It's singing along with our friends.
The other day I was driving up Highland and in front of me I saw Hollywood Blvd... the green hills... the flooded traffic... the city busses... and without warning my eyes flooded with tears and I felt so at home. A feeling I have understood only in movies..
Perhaps when you spend time with the people you love.. when you truly give yourself away... when the place and the people are good. Perhaps it is then when our lives become more surreal, more romantic, and more hopeful than any production could ever be. This realization made me smile.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
it's crazy how people move in and out of our lives. lifetimes disregarded. forgotten and swept away. this is my worst fear. to lose the ones i love. the one that always makes me laugh and feel fine.
but see, friendship requires something so much more than the sole desire for everything to be alright. at some point one has to realize that dignity will pay the price. and i don't mean pride. and i don't mean appearance. i mean the kind of confidence that when disturbed tortures and twists till we lose everything inside of us that we believe in.
i can see this now. the way i took each hit. and somehow all the anger is gone. i don't hate anyone but myself. this turning of the tables. pathetically hoping for an apology. for a return to the unhealthy friendship we had before. for that spot of second best.
this is probably the hardest thing i have ever done. walking away. rediscovering myself. finding what i've lost by losing someone that i love this much. someone who taught me to hope and believe. someone who taught me that i can trust in the human heart.
i guess in the end, i just want to feel connected and inspired again. i want to trust that my friends won't sell me to the lowest bidder. that they won't flag down the first cab that comes my way. that they will walk with me at night. that they will care enough to take me home.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
my mind isnt here. its nowhere. maybe that is why i am drinking. to stop the constant nagging in my mind. the ridicules from myself. is my skirt too short? should i have worn heels with this? is he checking out the girl beside me? she's really pretty, but she shouldnt wear her hair like that. she's trying so so so hard to get his attention. i feel awkward and in the way. and please dont ask me about the other night. i dont want to cry right here. please don't cry. please don't cry. and i dont want to wonder if he knew I was sick in the bathroom. i couldnt speak. i couldnt breathe. i panicked. i was embarrassed. god i really dont want to think about this anymore. not again. today the men at the liquor store asked me about the show. my face went pale, and i laughed when they asked if i was alright... a studio audience kind of laugh. they said i've been losing weight. i didnt think anyone could tell. am i really one of those girls? i can feel a knot growing in my throat, and i really need to smoke. and here i am again. smoking. smoking. smoking. and watching strangers on the street. such a deadly habit. god, i want to be that that girl. a black girl with longs legs and a tiny waist. she has perfect skin and nice clothes. i'll bet men dont treat her the way they treat me. i'll bet shes happier and has lots more money. if i had money i'd change this scene. grab a bite to eat. i'm hungry i just cant feel it. i want new friends. not to replace em. just to add to them. i love my friends. more than anything. i just need something different. i should go with liz to new york. i might feel better there, but then again, the women are prettier. they're taller. like the buildings. i'll bet they have no personality though. run down like the tracks of the subway. at least i have soul to make up for my size. i feel more in a day than most people feel in a week. even though i am only 22. a kid. just a kid. a kid. maybe when i am older my mind will slow with my body. every thing will make more sense. i'll count the veins in my legs and will love them for the life that they have given me. this life. right now. standing on the street. maybe aging will turn off my meandering self deprecating mind. just one more drink. one more cigarette. i think i'll be alright.
Friday, August 04, 2006
don't write. don't write. don't. not tonight. not after this. a night that doesn't define me as me. on the second glass of water. baby jaggar begging for attention. see it's attention i don't have. not for anyone else. no one else. and my heart is grabbing for attention too. see. i pushed it aside. i forgot. forgot what this really means. i forgot. and i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry. and i care more than you i'm sure. care about what i have done to estrange what means most to me. it's all i have. to mean more than a dream or a life or my heart. see. it's you. and i'm so so sorry. i cried tonight. cried for the memories. cried that they might be forgotten by the morning. because of what i have done. i'm so so sorry. it's always been you. and i try and forget. but in the end. i cry only for you. it's you that i love. it's you. only you. it's you.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
can you feel it? this love. this life. this feeling inside. now hold my hand and let go. cause these eyes cant hold much longer and this heart cant take the stress. let go. let go of whats holding you back. let go and live. live for this moment. this love. let the tears fall and the wounds heal. cause we were born for this. only this. my heart against yours. your soul pressing mine. can you feel it? this love. this life. this feeling inside. let go of whats holding you back. cause we were born for this. take my hand. take my heart. let go and live.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
how can i say this? the way that i feel. that you're beautiful to me. so beautiful. the most beautiful. and i feel your heart. and you. you understand me. it's how i feel. the most constant rhythm in the world. the one thing i can count on. the one thing i know for sure. that you're perfect. the good and the bad. perfectly perfect. and even when i hate you. i love you too much. how could i not? with a heart so large. how can i say this? the way that i feel. that you're beautiful to me. so beautiful. perfectly beautiful.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
set her on a shelf. and dust off her porcelain face. so that nothing can tarnish those hand crafted cheeks. it's what she wants you know. this pretty little girl. such a pretty little girl. she won't know better. what she's missing. a child without a mind. with a heart the size of heaven. set her on a shelf. she'll never know. what you're keeping from her. the dirt on your hands. hidden in pockets. set her on a shelf. and dust off her porcelain face. so that nothing can tarnish those hand crafted cheeks. this pretty little girl. such a pretty little girl. a child without a mind. with a heart the size of heaven.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
these rapid hearts of ours. whirling. two tops wound up too tight. spinning. perfect. fast. little circles. and were laughing at my pulse. dancing on the table in front of us. such a stunning sight. and my mind is on a platter in the kitchen. garnished in greens. and our hearts are holding conversation. spilling secrets our mouths could never say. finding home upon our sleeves. and i can hear the clock crowing. that the sun is coming soon. so we raise our glasses. clink and smile. to the dawn we say. the dawn. we laugh and just look away.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
and nothing can come from rolling in the dirt. so run. just fucking run he says. cause you'll only dirty the carpets if you come inside. so i do as he says. his words repeating in my head. and spilling down my cheeks. i run. till the dirt doesn't stick. till the sun comes up. and I return. covered and crying. and ready to run.
Friday, September 01, 2006
there's something about laughter. that heals the heart. and i think i laughed an extra 10 years to my life last night. and i feel great. and healthy. and happy. the end.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
i need you here. so badly. i'd do almost anything. to bring you to me. this distance hurts tonight. so come here. come here. and the drinks make this urgent. cause i love you more than anyone. and it's scary. and it scares me. the miles between us. and our favorite songs only make it worse. so come here. come over. cause i need you now. cause i love you more than anyone. so much more than anyone. cause i love you more than anyone.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
smile. cause the white horse will bring him home. cause this is the dream. the chance. the longshot that came true. so package your love and send it with. when the world takes your heart. cause this is the dream. the longshot that came true. smile. cause the white horse will bring him home.
Monday, October 30, 2006
the weather's not right in colorado. so come to california. my angel my friend. and smile. just smile. and i'll show you what you mean. from the hills to the sand to the sea. keep warm in california. and smile. just smile. cause the weather's not right in colorado. so come to california. my angel. my friend. and i'll show you what you mean. from the hills to the sand to the sea. i'll show you what you mean.
still missing you john... forever in our hearts.
Friday, November 03, 2006
don't read this darlin. cause i'd blush if you knew. it was the rooftop. the sky. the city. and you. and i can't stop thinking. how i want you here. cause a day is not enough. and the weather's changing fast. november in the city. the rooftop. the sky. the city. and you.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
just bury this dream and drive. the one thing on my mind. to leave this all behind. fuel on smokes and this steady stream of tears. and i'll never look back. even when the clouds clear. i'll bury this dream. beside my broken heart. fuel on smokes and this steady stream of tears. i'll bury this dream. beside my broken heart. just bury this dream and drive.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
cause i think of you most. on the long drive home. cause home is not where i return. or the place that i live. or the places i go. it's where i escape in my head. where you greet me. with a smile and a hug. it's a place i have dreamed. or imagined. or created. but it's all i have. the place i want to be. more than anywhere. cause i think of you most. on the long drive home. it's the place i want to be.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
cause i feel nothing now. inside this heart of mine. a gray slate. speechless and abandoned. no sun or snow to change the mood. betrayed and withered. silent and still. and im not sure where to go. or how to feel. or how to just be ok. cause there's nothing worst than this. this mindless life. and heartless days. without my friend. without my heart. and nothing's wrong. and nothing's right. inside this heart of mine. i feel nothing now. no sun or snow to change the mood. just silent and still. and nowhere to go.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
cause the sun always shines.
you know... sad days sometimes turn out the best. unexpected. when you pull yourself off a salt drenched couch to see the sea. a beautiful wet. and the sun beats down like summer. cause everything happens for a reason... isn't that what you said. when you declared sad and pathetic? when you emptied your baggage on mine. when you fucked who could have been the best one for you. when you told her to leave. cause when she brought you up you felt most down. and now what do you have? but a tear soaked couch of your own. and a dream that won't mean as much. cause money is just paper. when there's no reason. when you wipe your ass with the ones you love. cause you're an asshole. with no one to love. and a life without meaning. and although sad and pathetic might suit you. these clothes won't fit me. cause when i feel the worst the sun always shines to pick me up. and when it rains. it only gets you wet. cause everything happens for a reason. and im glad you showed me. what its like on the other side. cause i know now. that im better on my own. cause the sun always shines when im feeling down. the sun always shines. it's what i love. the salty air and sunshine. you can keep it. sad and pathetic. cause the sun's on my side. and i'm better on my own. with a heart full of love. the sun never lets me down.
Friday, April 13, 2007
he asked if i'd ever been in love...
and i smiled. smiles and tears. yes i have. and i always will be. and i will never feel this way again. except when asked the question. have i ever been in love? yes. and i always will be. i said. it's just not something that goes away.
so he sang a song. unoffended. singing love is all that matters. love is all that matters. and we walked away. hand in hand. smiles and tears. cause i will always be in love. i will always be in love. it's just not something that goes away.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
rain or snow: sleet or hell
unavailing. unrequited. unconditional.
Friday, July 13, 2007
like cherry pie.
full. overfilled. overflowing with hope. so happy my mouth makes my ears smile. sleepless and satisfied. i love my life. today i do. blue eyes. blue eyes. i think i could love you. i think that i do.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
so. i've been meaning to write - actually write. instead of these silly rhyming words. so here goes. it's almost august 07. crazy how time flies. still in california. and it's still the beginning i believe. a few months ago i planted myself in a new home. although i miss the 218 hostel - mon and ben and the strangers that camped on our doorstep - but im glad to have found a place of permanence. it's beautiful. i live with the oh-so stunning erin delk and the oh-so manly omal. when everyone's home i'm most happy. ive been trying to formulate some sort of family bonding between the 3 of us. it's hard when mike's always banging away and erin is hopping on tour busses too. but we're happy. all 3 of us chasing some sort of meaning and heart.
anyway, we live across from two single doctors. one to take your breath away and the other to put it all back in. I've managed to offend dr. delicious - an LA implant by way of norway - by offering him danish beer followed by my grand tumble down two flights of stairs. the other I've danced with - mostly to musicals - divided by dry wall of course. i like my neighbors. we keep in contact by singing loudly in our showers and offering each other green every once in a while. we're adjusting just fine.
so i'm working at Original Productions. and its amazing! ive never worked in television, but if i had ever planned it - this would be the dream. and it's becoming a kind of dream for me. i feel busy again. the good kind of busy. where you mention a water park on mars and the next thing you know you're trying on gravity-inflated bathing suits. haha. well, not exactly... but pretty much. if you can dream it, and it's interesting - we make it happen. i like that.
anyway, the social drama. there is none. i keep to myself mostly. no one believes me. but it's true. however, i will admit. when i get bored, i'll do the dishes topless. or walk from the bathroom to my room without a towel. i call it exotic domestics. but i only do it when im alone so what's the point really? i write a lot. mosty about one. who has never been worth anything. haha :) its a dry well now, but still the only pool to pull from. i need a change. and a sofa too. maybe after mickey cuts my hair we can make a fort by the fireplace and drink a beer or two before my bedtime at 9. wishing you well my friends.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
i always say something today. but i'm lacking direction this year. this morning i thought of ny. you were drumming (go figure) i was drunk and laughing hysterically. cheering you on while you overplayed the band on stage. they threatened to make us all leave. amy was sweet. she told us of how you two met. how you waited for her and she would wait for you too. remember the races we had in vegas? up and down the escalotors. you threw us over your shoulders. i had another in mind that night. we layed on the sidewalk and laughed at you parade the wrong way. hopped the fence and ran for it. you owed me dinner remember? no more subway hunts in provo. or waking up stuck to leather seats. drooling on the person beside us. i guess those times have passed. tomorrow i'd have met you in salt lake. but you never came. everything stopped. my heart but not my tears. and i'm sure you kept on going too. an angel got his wings is what they say. and im sure that you did. wishing you well my friend. you are missed.
Monday, April 14, 2008
summer at 9:52pm.
rollercoaster world. a rush of high and low. i'm on an up. and the sun is strong. i'm happy. i'm hopeful. and in love.